Free Rent

Can he?

2010-12-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

I wrote this about four years ago, probably in one of the worst times in my life. I was addicted to cocaine and really strung out, but for some reason God still takes the broken and makes them new...Look at me now...straight macking

What if in a moment you had everything and with one single breath,
it just all fell apart, vanished, and/or disappeared?

Well, I know I have.

With every great nation there comes it's collapse
and with every great saint, there comes their fall.
But what if it could be restored?
Would you also be?

A man cannot live by another man's support to make sure that he breathesthe correct way and a woman can not bear child without the help of a man.
But can a man live life by faith, so that he may save others in the end?
Well, I know I can.

Can God save those that are starving, dying, or are just tired of being tired?

Well.....I know he will.

Will God take a broken, beat up, rejected, drug addict, alcoholic, stubborn, deprived, unloved, jealous, prideful, boostful, greedy, abused, hated, torn apart, ungrateful, back stabbing, gossiping heart and make them new????

Well....I know he has

Powerlifters

2010-07-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

So today I woke up and it starts just like everyday. Well, first off my eyes are still adjusting to the light, so I usually walk into the door. But I get to the kitchen and make a protein shake, one that not most people would drink, but the eggs don't taste to bad that are in it. You know the marine's have the slogan,"The few, the proud, the Marines." Well, for me, powerlifters have a slogan too. Were few and far between and keeping it naturally is one of the biggest things that we fight with. We lift big weight and we dominate. We take no as our prisoner and when we step in to take the set, our minds change instantly. Thoughts race and race and people ask "What are you on?", but their words just encourage our rage. They tell us your nothing without roids and you wont be able to lift as much as those that are on, but with the fuel raging comes the fire that we ignite when we achieve the repetition without the easy help. We pick up the weight and achieve what you say we cant, we don't need you easy help and we don't need your criticism. We don't need your afflictions and we definitely don't need your intentions. Were natural and were the few and the far between. We cheat our exercises and we don't ask questions, but if you ask us nicely, we just tell you how we got so big!

2010-07-27T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well its the end of July or is getting there and i just remembered that i hadnt posted anything on here. To be honest nothing had come to mind because for the first time in a long time, my minds been pretty quiet. It doesnt happen often, but usually i see things that intrigue me, but this month nothing has enough that i need to write about it or put my thoughts with bible verses. I hope everyone is having a great summer and i really wish someone else would chime in one this blog, but then again it also gives me something to do before my semester at school begins....Everyone be good and know that Jesus loves you!

2010-06-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

At one time someone once told me,"Nothing gold can stay." As I sit and stare at my life today, nothing gold ever came.

I saw an old friend of mine the other day and he told me he was okay, but as I looked into his eyes, only God and I could tell he wasn't. Nothing changed now than it did when we were kids, but you'll never find a friend better than me.

He told me about his day and I told him about my life, but God could I really help him? When we were kids it was easy. We would just replace life with drugs and time with making music, but now I'm gone and I left him behind. God, what can I really change?

As we spoke my hands began to sweat and the tears wanted to flow because I see your jet black stare and long for their color to look as mine, but our scarred hands just don't match.

I reached and he laughed, I begged and he wouldn't collapse. Oh God what could I say?

As I walked away, things just weren't the same. He had his way and I had to walk mine. Oh God, oh God please forgive us who tresspass against you and please grant us mercy, for none of us really know of what we do! Hear my cries for his soul to be saved and let gold stay, shine, and my plea for his grace be heard!

Comments:

I was told when I was in early recovery the first time (close friends of mine know that there has been many, up to this last one) that you can walk a thousand steps away from God, but when you turn around he's still one step behind you. I've always kept that dear to my heart and have never forgotten it. Just like the book of psalms it has conforted me when I thought that everything was going to crap. I really did see an old friend the other day and I was estatic when I did. But as I stood there and watched him still doing the things that I ran away from or that I had given to God, I began to ask God what can I really do to help. Well, the first thing that came to my mind was that I really couldn't do anything, but be his friend and show him what I had accomplished and maybe that would help. Then as we kept talking I began to tear up and the realization came that they were really far gone. They are such awesome people and would do whatever they could to help you, but they have an addiction to this world that's way bigger than I could take on at the moment and as I left, I just put my head in shackles and just didn't know what to do for them anymore. So as I step back, I can only be their witness of Jesus and I can only pray that they see my change and see that the world isn't just made for addiction, but there is a love that will carry and take on whatever they can't. I love these guys and they will always be close to my heart and may God hear my cry for their mercy and grace, that he will one day show himself to them. That is my prayer for today because I really can't stand seeing them like they are...God hear my cries and bless them with your spirit...I pray all of this in the powerful name of Jesus!

Salvation

2010-06-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a starvation. As I rolled over I could barely move and when I did get up the pain was excruciating. I woke up alone and lonely, realizing that I had no where to be because the job I did have was gone like a fresh breeze through the trees. I stole from its location to only get caught and with the steel cold handcuffs, it was just another bother that I received another mugshot. So, when I came to my senses this morning I looked at my phone, it was two in the afternoon and she just wasn't going to call. I lied to get my way through and the drugs just weren't enough, that's why I was shaking and the reason I could barely move. As I sat there with my head in my hands, there was no friends to run to, but there was the bottle that always left me stranded and alone. I thought it would get me through and I thought that it would get me by, but as I lay there thinking the four walls around me finally collapsed. I began to see nothing and wondered where everyone was? But as I lay there hollowed and alone, tired...tired was what I had become. I couldn't get through to you and I really didn't know why, but I'm dying here and without you I shall be. The drugs took over and the DT's made me weak, but I didn't know what to do and here was all I had. My eyes were once colored, but black was there new shade, I was dying on the inside..but this, this is what I was to become.

Matthew 21-35
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]

23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents[b] was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

This is through the eyes of someone who has either pushed everyone out of their lives or has/is dealing with an addiction that is just way bigger than they are. People die everyday alone and lonely or do they just not see the full picture. They die alone, but are they really? They die alone because they have not heard the Gospel. The Gospel saves lives, but it takes someone really bold to show it to them. People shouldn't die this way and if I could save them, I would. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone chooses to take their "free will" wherever they want, but they shouldn't ever die in what they think is "loneliness". We should respect them for their fight and bless them as they stand in front of us. If they steal from you, then aren't we supposed to look the other way and provide them with what they need? When they ask us for our help, aren't we supposed to drop what we're doing to do that? These are the first steps to showing the Gospel to those who need it because other people who don't know Jesus wouldn't allow these good thing to happen to them. Show compassion, show helpfulness, show love and most importantly you should always show them Jesus.

Devoted

2010-05-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Glycerine

by Bush

It must be your skin I'm sinking in
Must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind, it's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why

Every thing's gone white and every thing's gray
Now you're here, now you're away
I don't want this, remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise, it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad, you bruise my face
Couldn't love you more, you got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you

I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend 'Fear' and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine

Don't let the days go by, Glycerine
Don't let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine

Bad mood whine again
Bad mood whine again
As she falls around me

I needed you more when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear, simple and plain
Well, that's just fine, that's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by
Could have been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine

Devoted

It's the stare that becomes a glare and I really can't fathom how she ever found it?

Her eyes give off a daze and it miraculous shows, how much love God has given her.

She speaks in a tone and it shows me that I'm not alone

And God speaks to me with every breath she breathes

Her eyes are sky blue and they move

with a glaze of God's outstretched hand

I can't speak whenever shes around, but when on the level ground

she always makes me feel like I could fly

I'm like a child with dreams and big ambitions, but she sees through them and challenges me to always do better.

Searching for God, I'm always fond

of how much she really can care.

She takes the time and I really don't mind because she always devotes her time.

She's beautiful in and out, it's really not a doubt that I really do care.

Totally devoted, you really never boast, but instead put others in front.

You never ask for much,

I'd love to give you the world, but I know that you will never ask.

I ask for nothing from a person who would give their life for the ones standing next to her. People give her a hard time and she still smiles. Her attitude never changes and every conversation that we have, is always my pleasure. You know a lot about the bible and teach me with it every time we speak. I could talk to you for hours and our conversations help me with life. I never seem to bug you even though I call you on a daily basis. Your tone never changes and your attitude always stays the same. You beautiful in and out with God's grace always extended with each breath you breathe. I love when we meet and your eyes make me weep because I just really cant figure out why you care so much. Your going to do big things with your life, but you will always remember us little people. Your in my prayers, and maybe you will receive this letter, for I only wanted you to know how much I care!

Ephesians 5:2 (New International Version)

²and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

1 John 4:10-12 (New International Version)

¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

The Other Side

2010-04-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

"Mercury Rising" by From Autumn to Ashes

Every breath that I exhale is a sigh -
Every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.
[repeating throughout]
How sad - this is what your life has
Been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been
Painted over. The television screen is streaked with blood smeared from your
Knuckles as you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its
Strength, or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. Startled by a knock
At the door you rise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can
Only greet the visitor with one short statement. Hello my first name is
Distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. Hello my name is
Distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again. Hello I really
Don't care if I never wake up again. I really don't care if I never wake up
Again.

The Other Side

When I talked to her today, she was distant and her eyes had turned another shade. She had lost her concentration.

Didn't conversation become our must?

She stood behind a counter in a small town and when i saw her, it was about nothing, but what had been done.

Don't you see where this could go? She just had one fist for fighting and her other fist was for complaining.

She began to tell me her life in just one story, but as she walked through hell, she told me, she always kept her head up.

Our eyes met and I asked her, Don't you know where your going or who you could be?

"I broke one day and never returned. I ran and never looked back, I feel to Hell and sat there head in hands and weak like a child. "

As she cried, I looked at her closely and she.... turned into me.

God will one day come back to claim his rightful throne in this world. Through the trials and tribulations that satan will challenge us with and use against us towards God, God will strike him down and for the final time and final hour, God will triumph over evil! God will call an army of his believers to stand against satan and this army of God, will not only call the preachers and his sons/daughters of the church, but God's army will consist of those that are the weak of these. God will choose those that are addicts, those that are unworthy, those that are worthless, and as they stand in the front they will be... they will be God's people and the main ones that bring us home and God's glory to a face against satan!

One fist for them and the other for complaining

2010-04-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

The End

by Silverstein

The first time we met
Your face became etched
In my mind

You were the sun
I was the one
Who worshiped you.
My hands were your guns
Your eyes were my muse.

And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But can I still keep
A place in your heart?

You broke my heart
You promised me the moon and stars
I fell for your dreams. I fell for your lies
There was no other way
You know I tried

And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But can I still keep
A place in your heart?

There is something
I want you to know
I think you know exactly what it is
I didn't want to save you
I didn't want to save you
I set our house on fire
To watch it burn
But I couldn't just leave you there

And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But I'll ask you this

Will you still miss me?
(Yes I'll miss you)
Do you love me?
(Yes I love you)

Planes fill the sky
We'll both die tonight
We'll both die tonight
Hands from the sky
Swat us away like flies
As we follow the light

Planes fill the sky
We'll both die tonight
We'll both die tonight
Hands from the sky
Swat us away like flies
As we follow the light

We'll both die tonight
We'll both die tonight

Swat us away like flies
(We'll both die tonight)
As we follow the light
(As we follow the light)

This union, a battle fought and lost
This union was not about the cause
This union was never about love

I walk around just really trying to figure this thing out and the two cents of the world that chimes in, always brings me back to you. I bleed for people just to have them make me look stupid or just so they can say, "he/she is worthless and won't amount to much." Well, I have one fist for them and the other one for complaining.

I've heard it said once, that nice guys finish last and as I grow older, that is always the case.

I'm 25 now and that always seemed to be our case, and the walk home is just as long as it started out to be.

These streets are filled with hate, and the longer I'm around them, It'll only get worse....but what can you do? I only have one fist for fighting and the other for complaining.

Ordinary

2010-03-04T22:40:00.001-08:00

The look you gave me used to be feeled with love and compassion for a person who just really didn't deserve it. With every sound , it surrounds and I just thought I would never feel this way, but today

It's just not the same.

I Begin today, but its still the same
my trust is in you God where I know that I can look, a space that is filled, and the void can finally be complete.

With the I love yous and the I miss yous are way to much to handle, but when I last saw you,
It all started to make since, you were gone and I saw
that this memory was a dream that I just didn't sleep long enough to finish.

There was a presence in your eyes that now is lost and a pain in my heart breaks me as I meet the new me. But isn't it said that every fairytale has a happy ending?

I give this to God, but the call is sad and even sometimes the pain is way to bearable. But, as I see this through someone Else's eyes and then through mine, they probably wouldn't have went this far with you..But, as I live without, there is no doubt, that I will always be stronger than this.

The situation narrows, as you only give me sorrow, but I will be as strong as Job and give this to God, before the Situation puts me six feet under this sod.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him. Forever in the next.

Amen.

Exposed

2010-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

The Wonderful Cross
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Today I awoke to darkness and silence surrounded me like I've never been embraced before. All the things that I had held down were exposed and there was nothing in my power that I could do. It was like the fly, that had reached its 23 hour of the 24 hours that it is allowed to live. When I started to wonder why I felt this way or why, it just seemed like this at that moment, it reminded me that I was deceitful to myself and those around me. I began my day and asked God for a reason, but I had done this to myself just like the child that burns their hand because they see the fire and don't ask questions.
God responded to me as my tears begin to flow, "Tell them, tell them all what you've done." As I contemplated that, my fears began to jump up and down and the thoughts of doing that flowed like an untamed river, but as I thought back and thought about the deceit, I began to understand more. I deceived those who matter a lot and to those who were there for me when the darkness surrounded me, like a consuming fire. And even though I knew that, I always thought that God was my consuming fire...but he had temporarily been replaced by temptation and lies.
As I scrambled to get back to a place of safety, things just seemed to get darker....I was going about it the wrong way..
I needed to speak up and show that I to needed help, just not from others, but from God. I needed to know when I was wrong and how to open up, just a little bit better instead of taking my prideful ways and keeping it built up and swelled up inside. I love God in time of needs because it's, he's, the one that shows us who we really are. I divided myself with this new experience and as I try now to change my ways, I thank God everyday for allowing me to go through this. Unlike those that told Job to curse God for his tragedy, I too received faith in God like Job did and persevered by praising instead of sying!

God, today I come to you broken and ashamed. God I've done things this time that I regret and really don't have an answer on why I did them. God please bless my family and my friends that put up with me on a daily basis and yet still have more than just love for me. God please bless those that have less than I do and show them in you own way who you are and just how great you are to your children. God I'm thankful for being a child of God, but tonight could you please just bring me peace and to those also around me that need it, whether it be for the same thing or for forgiveness of something else. But God, bring them into your kingdom and show them only grace. God, show those who are lonely today or who are just wondering where you want them to go with your love to show to those who don't even know it yet, but God may you be the lamp to their feet and their love and to just let them know that your in control and never will you forgive us or forsake us. God thank you, and we praise and love you, all of this, one scarred hand to another.

1 John 2:9-11
Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there's is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.

Untitled

2010-01-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

As I walk , through a crowded hallway I hear their screams, pains, and thoughts, but mine are just as loud. They say the empty can rattles the most, but the weight of the world, sounds the alarms.

The knock is louder than before and the banging never stops. They all begin to run and bumping and knocking each other down, it all just became our options.

The door is now open slightly and nice guys always finish last. It's the place we've chosen and the place that the world, has chosen for us.

Psalm 73:21-28

surrender

2010-01-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Death, is a mystery, even to me. I've been to Hell and back, seen the throne of Satan, sat the right side and even walked amoung the legion.

I lost many years and tears, is all I have, left.

The light showed dimmed
and the reaper grinned
I just never found a way.
I disobeyed.....

Year by year
with many fears,
where did I go wrong?

Day by day,
Tear for every conflicting beer,
I still never realized the pain.
My wants and my ambitions got in the way

I was just trying to divide the pain
but I put myself into this situation.
I struggled and fought
found myself conflicted with every thought
And still....I disobeyed

I learned and tried to listen
to every premonition,
but God had a much bigger plan!

I was forced and beaten
with every situation,
and yet I still never listened
And yet.....I still disobeyed

I gave into way to many sins,
but yet...God still had a plan.
as it begun,
I turned to run
but running.....it just wasn't an option.

Light became visible,
as your footsteps became invincible,
as I looked around, everything was gone
and yet....I finally obeyed

2 Corinthians 1:12

Timed

2009-12-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

As today comes swinging to a halt, it's late but not early. As we come to the final decisions, do we stay or shall I run, but if we do either, may we use the same fire escape?

We stand here, fogged with decisions and with every other answer from someone else, we find ourselves more confused than when we started. Dazed and confused about our outcomes, i figured that when were done, we will not divided together.

I remember the great things that are lost and i remembered the lost that were great, but in the grey, we all lost!

As the days approach quicker and our hearts break together, they stop and ask us..."What are you two going to do?"

We question each other time and time again, until the answer bugs us and as time flips away, you still the only one he sees. Finishing up and taking a leap, for the first time, i truly can fly. As the line is drawn and the temptation to jump is finally behind, we look deep in each other but never looking down!

Looking backward instead, and running forward, all i see is you and my dreams are finally coming true. We answer their questions together, finally seeing where we stand, but if divided there would never be an end. But together, may the world not stand in our way...For in God...For in God, we were always there!

Genisis 2:23-24
The man said, "Thisis now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be unitied with his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Departed

2009-11-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

Branded together and always there, we will stand in strands but correlate together. When Divided though, we are departed...

Fighting through the struggle of the line, when stuck in the middle, it always feels like the end. Through our eyes we see the front of the line, but with years passing, inch by inch we never moved at all.

Warmth where we stand, like the line between light and dark, and it always gets colder as we moved on. As we cover new territory, and begin trespassing, I try not to trespass against others, but I stumble and fall.

I contimplate what to do next, but it's just to foggy to decide with decisions clouding my thoughts. There is this and there is that. but for what? The coagulation of each!

I fight to finish this fight and feel the heat when I get there. God forgive me for my trespasses, God forgive us for our trespasses, and pick us up as we break and fall. Help us to finish the race, and provide when we feel untouchable!

One Scarred Hand to Another

2009-11-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

As I walk through, I see you but I choose the closest hand.
(He is jealous for me,)

Beaten and disappointed I choose to follow,
(Loves like a hurricane: I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy)

And by choice, I find the others, one scarred hand to another.
(When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions embraced by glory,)

Humbled and unaware, scarred hands from Hell and back, torn between insecurities are blemished but never seeming undone from the eye.
(And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me)

As we are divided by hands and not seeing your truth, I realize Why Can't Just Follow Directions then....
(And OH, how he loves us so, OH! how he loves us so, Oh! How he loves us all)

As my temperament changes and as the blind lead the blind, moving a million yards down...together we STAND!
(We are his portion and he is our prize drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,)

Never dividing and never giving up, we fight for the end and until it comes.
(If grace is an ocean, then we're all sinking.)

Deciding to stop is not in the invitation and to quit is not an option
(And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.)

And with all our regrets and all of our discretion's, we persevere, with God, with each other, one scarred hand to another.
(I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way...)

Oh and how HE loves so
Oh! How he loves us so, and
how he loves us all

Romans 12:1-3

Today

2009-11-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I spoke and you listened. The night finally became day, and for the first time I could close my eyes. With every faulty decision before, you gave me a breath, a fresh breath, to breathe. Because in a cloudy room, it's all that you can ask for.

Today, I stepped back. It broke when I broke, and smashed when I smashed. Violently turning in my chest, the pain just couldn't stand being content anymore. As tears flowed, I could only think about you.

Today, we died. Slowly and not painfully, we died. Our last breath was together and our friendships, had finally turned their backs. God, I asked, what is truly going on?

Today, I fell sixteen floors and survived. Yesterday I fell and shattered. Today I walked and yesterday I was running. But no matter how hard I run, my pain will always run faster.

Today, I journeyed further, today I stumbled, today I loved, but with love I always find my broken heart again, just not as soon as possible.

I dreamed of you TODAY, and for the first time, you deserved to be with someone else. But I choose my company by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads.

As I break, I will not bend and I'm not going to break, but I am not worried and I am not overly concerned. Grace, shower down on me as I walk, just as she begins. But I try to tell myself, the things that I try to tell myself, to make myself forget. But I'm stunned and I'm about to break with just one more word.

But TODAY, I will get through, because what's today's difference from yesterday?
I can walk, I can climb, I can sing, and as I do this, I lift my hands and yell....HERE I AM WORLD, STOP ME IF YOU CAN!! With red light, green light being played, I'll get there eventually.

Because I will always be the one who sits back, and just smokes cigarettes, being the one with the loudest mouth and staying the most open minded as I can be!

And with my one breath, With this one last breath I will speak....the name of Jesus!

Ephesians 6 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com

2009-11-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 6 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com: "The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

Perservere

2009-11-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

As this life moves on, and the world still revolves around the sun scientifically like it always does without a question and answer, will we be able to do the same.

They told me the other day, one foot in front of the other and don't look back or down, because it's a long way for both, down and back. But isn't it human nature to do both?

But instead, did you see next to you, around you, and behind you, that your not alone?

I woke up today not expecting what I was involved in, never expecting the next move, but with grace, do you really need to ask questions.

They told me, roll over, get up, and deal with it...just deal....

But instead, I rolled over like demanded, but with Christ I stood. So I picked up my broken pieces as they break and fall, taking on everyday standing up,standing up tall, for within Christ I can finally begin to see through my eyes!

With my clothes on and ready to head out this door, ready to approach another day with the world, it's corrupted, and it's angers and pains.

They tell me, let it consume you, get right in the middle and stand in it's eye with it's chains, pains and temper. More than one drink for each Consumer.

So I stand on the outside looking in, as they all sway past me. I begin to grab in the middle of the eye and pull out clothes, broken contacts, and misconceptions of what I thought "we" had but was wrong, with every drink that I take.

But instead the voices get louder and louder, the scripture gets more intense around me, behind me and even in front. I look to the mountains, where does my help come from?

We listen to the world and take in all of it's broken promises and believe all of it's lies. But when your in addiction, the only thing that is right or seems right, is that addiction that somehow even though you said never would, but does, eventually takes over your life. People fight and scream but it just doesn't go away, until you take the gloves off and fight it hard and with whatever it takes to get through it. And then you get clean, then what? Most people try to take on those that are still stuck with your same addiction and ask: "Go to church with me or Meet me at church". And just completely for the first time stepping into that eye of the storm to help those people...and most of the time, they end up let down...but recently I've seen people with past addictions, get good responses with asking these same questions, putting themselves out there for the first time taking on Christ, head on. I'm proud to be a part of that and proud to say, those are my friends and I'm proud to say this in Christ with them. This the power I seek and this the power that will get us to the finish line but we don't see that, we see those who need help. we see those who struggle and we see those who need the Love of God and take them head on, like the old Irish wars, where the front line and the rest just bum rushed the other side not caring the response but about the people.

Ephesians 6 It's right below this the verus that I wanted, but my computer is being Kool(as me and Sammy would say to something that is really not cool) and will not let me...so sorry no song lyrics either

Bearing

2009-10-19T22:01:00.001-07:00

Motown Never Sounded so Good

So you say, all your white flags are up and that you've had enough and that you were tired of collecting dust, you say everything always looks the same and you made your brand new face to match your brand new place, you say all your distress calls have gone out and your ship is going down

Well I say it to myself all the time,"Stop living half and a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive."

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file line, is this real life, I've been telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.
Do you remember when we had all the answers, and can you really remember when we wished for anything better, just to feel like it's been forever, does it feel like a broken record, a head full of yesterdays, you keep wishing your life away, you keep looking over you own shoulder, things'll never look up unless you start to move forward.

-Less Than Jake-

Today it came to me and instead of dying inside, the bulb stayed lit. As I lay thinking of you, my hand began to write. Sometimes the empty can rattles the most, with the weight of the world on my shoulders, that just didn't seem enough. With my thoughts swirling and swerving around me, I just had enough. Tired of being tired, all I need is a little help.

It is not the Lords doing in what happens to me but the pain and evil of the world, that was delivered in sin of myself and exists with and within others. It's a collection over the years and combusted over time. It tares apart those who let it and neutralized by those who don't. God's given a promise to deliver us from it with a knock but am I the only one listening?

I sit and stare, as I only see myself staring back. But I can not break or bend, in anyway just for a solution for temporary practices, or positions. It's attacks aren't like usual, but are more subtle than before. They perch overhead and with God, I will be able to overcome this.

No questions asked and with no doubt!

13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Ode to You

2009-10-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

"God Deciding"
Transgressions are madewhile cowards conveywith a demon's ear, fixed and set to slay.While the statue awaitsto be whittled awaywith a mock of a slogan hiding filth with fear.Never to learn,only to burn...and be burned.Branded straight through slate,clear as common day.What shall be the mark to be made,when we crush it all to burn it down,without sight, without sound?Not anything but a casualty forgotten in the ground.A simple shell, that's solemn still--without sight, without sound.Make a martyr,a pedestal with ribbons of slaughter.Feed the altar,stoke the fire it will take over.Ignore the cut... the skin with callus as well as interest.If all are reckless none is to profit,none is to win it.So who will pay for all the tears,all the lives, from either side?All the years, all the time of living blindplaying "God Deciding?"And who will die next in linefor the lie, justifiedfor the rise of sitting high playing "God Deciding?"And who will walk awayfrom the rage and revenge?Inhumane consequence comes in timeplaying "God Deciding."And who will fall in line to arrive,out of sight and out of mind?
As I wake from a dream, my age is taken away, away again as I stare forward, I'm young again. I'm scared and broken as the weight is removed from my chest, it was held there awhile, and relief just seemed so scares.

-Hot Water Music-

As I hide beneath my blankets, as they become my security, I see your vision as others hear my screams. I begin to proclaim:

"The weight has been lifted, as I'm finally free!"

The hold that would never let go, as the clock ticks down, I notice the time and wonder if you see what I see? The hand of God has finally been revealed to me!

The power of the Lord has set me free!

For the first time I can breathe, without assistance from you, I can see the road as it is paved beneath me.

But as I grab on, and hold on to my security, God tells me, "let go for your finally Free!"

I begin to look around and notice my age, I'm 25 again, but I'm finally free!

He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."
Joshua 4:24

Freedom....who knew it could be so easy

2009-10-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Free is a word that most people look for in their certain lifestyle or situations. For me, it's an escape from pain and tragedies that would break and bend others beyound conformity.

It's a phrase that others seek, from families and addictions that were consumed by the consumer, but to only find out that it breaks them beyond hell and into eternity.

Is free really free if you don't surrender?

Freedom is not found in the tresholds of this world, but is that what i really choose or conform to?

To be free is to be sold or ransomed from chains that have held you down, blackened you into night, or have just no escape. Freedom comes in like the gust of wind that you have needed for years, the relief that you cried about that just didn't seem to ever be coming. But is this true for you?

Surrendering can be hard, but to see the light it's a must and to put the pieces back together it's the first and only step that it might take in accomplishing the unaccomplishable. But until these chains are ransomed the light will never be there, but turn around and no matter how far from God I, WE have walked away, he will always be on our heels. No doubt, no questions asked!

Matthew 11:28 (New International Version)
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

No Doubt and NEVER any questions asked

As the World keeps turning

2009-10-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

It's really late at night right now, and as the clock turns from minute to the next minute, I begin to recollect on the day and what has transpired just in this one day.

As we fight back on temptation and chose the right way, in the fork in the road, it still makes us wonder if we really picked the right way or the way that God wanted us to take.

There are many hours in a day and many minutes within that day too, to be indecissive on which choice to take but with God, anything is possible and the world is yours with him by your side.

Which will we take?

Which choice will you take?

As the day begins to break, will today break or will it be me?

As we go today and the world begins to become hard, will we notice those foot steps next to us or give in before we give them a chance? Will our stubborness fall before God so we can trust in him for the last part or will we stumble and let our pride drive?

These are just some of the things that God can help us through. What will you choose, the foot steps or the World? Pride or humbleness?

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 6So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. For What can man do to me?"-Hebrews 13 5-6

There is no "me" in QUIT!

2009-10-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

"It's hard to find your way through the darkness,it's hard to know what to believe.But if you live by your heart and value the love that you find,when you have all you need.To run Don't follow Lead a life the best we know.Let's talk about an independent stand.Let's talk about free form thought.It's not about living under command.So don't get caught.I get knocked down and then I get back up.Live your heart and never follow.I'll speak my mind you can't cover it up.Live your heart and never follow.I'm picking up the pieces as they break and fall.Live your heart and never follow.I'll take on every day standing up, standing tall.Live your heart and never follow."

-Hot Water Music-

Today, I found myself staring into the face of Hell, again. It had been awhile and I really had no idea what to do. My feelings were crushed, it seemed like all of my friends had forgotten about me, and I really felt alone...alone for the first time, in a really long time. I didn't know what to do, but be silent and wish for just one moment or one good memory, that could help me escape for just one minute but they just never came.

"My God, My God, what have I done to deserve this?"

I was broken and hallow, not knowing where to start or how to get the conversation started, so that someone could help me. So I did what I always do, I held it in,went to the gym, and tried to release it there. I tried and tried to shake the feeling of hurt and discouragement, but I feel like God made this decision or let this situation happen, so I could grow and become stronger.

I thought back to Job and I didn't blame God for my tragedies, but it still hurt and I'm still learning from it. I've been here before, is what kept going through my head and that I can triumph over this, just like I did before many times.

I've never been a quitter, especially when it comes to certain things that I love. I remembered how I never gave up on weightlifting, no matter how heavy it may get. Quitting my goals or giving up on hope to a better ending to this tragedy, is not what I was going to do, but I remembered that doing it on my own, wasn't going to be capable without God and his hands in trusting that there would be a hope, a relief, or an escape from my tragedies.

I'm still hurting, healing one day at a time, but if I didn't put it in Gods hands, I would have stayed in Hell with the rest of my horrible memories, regrets, mistakes, and other broken relationships that i ruined when I was not a Christian. With the words above and the words below, I will once again, triumph over tragedy and with it in Gods hands. I will once again persevere. With many trials, true freedom is just not found in the treshholds of this world. But with Christ, everythings possible.

RESTLESS

Restless, I sit here singing in the distance and it's getting to me, so don't bring it up. Waiting for the message to keep moving cause I'm dying here in the lock groove again.

Is this the wrong way to go, looking for a sign to get off this road. Cause someone once told me if there's a road to happiness I must have passed it long ago

And whirlwind, yea I'm back in that fight again. Staying on my knees just because I'm falling...I'm not giving up. You're gonna have to break me, and I know you can.

So I guess you had to show, things that I regret, just to bring the cold. I can't take hint, maybe I belong alone, I don't know where to go.

Whirlwind, yea I'm back in that fight again. I'm staying on my knees just because I'm falling....I'm not giving up. You're gonna have to break me, and I know you care."

-Rumbleseat-

2009-10-06T19:34:00.001-07:00

Welcome to THE Family!